Prologue

 

They sat on the table in juxtaposition. One bottle freshly emptied and one just fresh, the paper label still in place on the cap. Well I had to fix that didn't I? I mean I had to toast to the dead bottle right? It had served me well, for the whole week as a matter of fact, a new record.

I knew when I cracked that paper seal that this particular edition of my liquid friend would not last near that long. Fuck it, it was the weekend and I didn't have shit to do.

 

Chapter 1 - The Dinner

 

It only took a couple of minutes for me to go from the bar to the car. A few more and I was pulling into the garage. Melina's car was already there in its place. Steeling myself for what I was sure was the upcoming storm I popped out of the car suddenly stopping frozen by the fear of what was to come. I ended my paralyzing struggle after a few seconds by willing my feet to move one step at a time. Entering the kitchen I could tell the smell that permeated the air. The dish was one of Mel's signature meals, baked Ziti and sausage, always done to perfection. She knew that it was my favorite. Her making it should have made me happy but my mind ran immediately to the dark side. Maybe she cooked it to lessen the blow of leaving me.

Melina was nowhere to be seen but looking around the kitchen there was evidence of her everywhere. A half empty wine glass, salad fixings, cutting board littered with various scraps of food, and other dinner prep items showed her presence recently in the kitchen.

She startled me and I her as she rounded the corner. Melina quickly recovered herself moving close to kiss my cheek. She was not dressed to kill but it was not an every night, stay at home dress, by any standard. It had a bit of a business flair to it but sexy too. The top dropped down low enough to give me just a little more than a hint of cleavage. It was a great dress, funny thing was I don't ever remember seeing it before. That means that she went out of her way to buy something new for tonight. Again that should have been a good sign but I couldn't force myself to see it that way, all I could see was the impending doom of her decision. Melina broke the silence that I could not.

"Sorry Bob. I didn't hear you drive in. I was in the bedroom getting dressed."

"Smells great Honey." Jeez, what a snappy comeback. I couldn't resist mentally kicking myself when I was down. Mel didn't seem to notice any of my internal struggles.

"Thanks. Why don't you go change? I'll pour you a glass of wine."

"Sure Honey, thanks. I'll be right out."

As promised Mel had a big glass of wine waiting for me upon my return to the kitchen. I started to sit down to watch her but realized that would be wrong to sit on my ass while she worked so I offered to help. That got me her patented thousand watt smile for my effort along with the job of chopping the veggies for the salad. Mel retreated to the table with her wine taking the chair that I was going to sit in. She was watching me as I worked seemly amused by my efforts. This was a big change for us, I couldn't remember the last time I worked in the kitchen but I felt good doing it. It gave me something else to concentrate on besides my impending doom. Even with the busy hands my brain was working a single idea the whole time.

That idea was how to start the conversation. Where it would lead was not quite paramount on my mind because I knew that I would not be in control of that. There was no doubt that it was her show. Because of that I couldn't bring myself just to come out and start. My fears were so powerful that most of them never even took form. They just hung in my brain like a dark cloud. What was I going to do if this whole thing went sideways? The longer I thought that way the more nervous I got. Melina must have been able to read my thoughts as she spoke.

"Bob, let's just enjoy each other's company for now. We will talk after dinner OK? I do want you to call Archie and tell him that you won't be in tomorrow. I have already told Eric the same thing."

All I could do is nod like one of those stupid bauble headed dolls. What she was going to tell me tonight going to be so bad that we need the next day off? Maybe to start the process of our divorce? Maybe it was some kind of plan for reconciliation on her part? Stopping what I was doing I put in a quick call to Archie, of course he had no problem with the day off. Once the phone call was done I went back to chopping.

Still hearing what she'd said did nothing but drive my fear of what was coming but I did my best to stop worrying because I was powerless to affect it. Dinner was a quiet affair, at least for me driven by my constant attention to the elephant in the room. Melina chattered about work, Michelle, and anything else that seemed to pop into her head.

I followed along as best I could but when it ended I was glad. To see her finish her meal and the accompanying diatribe meant I could see an end my agony, or maybe a beginning. But at least I would know my fate. Like the condemned man going to his death and seeing the executioner there waiting there was a kind of relief that I could see the end to my journey in sight.

She told me that she had made coffee earlier and that I should get both of us a cup and meet her in the living room. As I headed into the kitchen my nerves ramped up a notch. My only thought running like a herd of buffalo in my head was, 'here it comes'.

Returning to the living room with the two cups I saw several printed pages laying on the coffee table. While I couldn't read them because of the fine print on the page and the distance they were from me they looked to be formal documents. Those pages kept my attention as I handed her a coffee cup. Sitting down I chose my seat where I could hopefully get a better look at what was written on them. Melina noticed where I was focused and acted, removing the objects of my distraction by grabbing the sheets, straightening them into a neat pile, and placing them face down on the table.

"Now Bob pay attention to me, not those papers. You will get plenty of time to read them after I'm done speaking. I want your undivided attention so focus on me. I know that what I am about to tell you is going to cause you to want to ask lots of questions, don't. Hold anything you are thinking inside until I tell you. I promise that you will get all the answers to your questions soon enough. We are not going anywhere until we work this out. I want you to promise me that you will stay silent until I finish."

Given no choice but to sit back and listen I nodded my assent to her demand of silence. Grabbing my coffee cup I slid back leaning against the back of my couch steeling myself for whatever was coming. It only took a second or two for her to reposition herself, take a deep breath to compose herself, and start.

"Alright, first thing, I want you to know that I still love you. Even with everything that has happened that hasn't changed from the day we married. If anything up until lately it had gotten stronger. Before you say a word even though your actions have not shown it, I know you love me too. But as much as love has been a constant between us other things have changed in our relationship. We've talked about this before and I think you know that it's true. You changed. What you did with the masturbation and how you did it were the manifestation of some of those changes. For us to stay together, stay married, I realized that I was going to have to change with you.

"My whole life I tied myself to the image of me that I saw in your eyes, every time you looked at me it reinforced that image. In hindsight that wasn't the best thing for me to do that but I did. You might ask what I saw. I saw a mother, a dutiful wife, a life partner, a best friend all mixed into one. That was my perception. Was it right? Doesn't matter, it's what I saw.

"But lately all that stopped and I didn't even see a glimmer of recognition from you, nothing. You hardly saw me at all. When you stopped looking at me like you used too I was confused and finally I was lost. You really hurt me, deep down inside where I was sure in my heart that with you I would always be safe, that you would never, ever hurt me. It's important that you understand the first part of that sentence rather than dwell on my hurt feelings. You tore down my sense of who I was. I was drifting, lost, and my best friend couldn't help me. Yes not only you as a husband shut me out but you, in your role as my best friend, was lost to me as well.

"Should I have talked to you when I figured out what you were doing? Maybe I should have, but I didn't. Why didn't I Bob? It was pretty simple really, because I thought I had lost you and I was scared out of my mind. Scared of what you might ask? I was scared to hear your answer if I confronted you. What if you told me out loud what was running around in my head? You know what that was Bob? My worst fear? That you were done with me. That I no longer mattered to you. That we were over. I was embarrassed, lost, and scared. So I waited, hoped, and prayed that you would come back. Just didn't happen, never did, did it Bob? It just kept on getting worse.

"The final straw for me was when Beth came to tell me about what you were doing in the office. She told me the whole story about how she caught you and what happened after. Everything that I felt, all those emotions changed. Instead of being scared I got mad, so mad. At first I directed it at her but she talked me off that ledge quickly. That was when it all caught up to me. I thought I was dying. It felt like I couldn't breathe. I can't begin to explain to you how hurt I really was at that moment in time. I couldn't believe that you would do something like that to me, to us.

"I mean in the office Bob? Here in the den is one thing, but in the office? In front of her? Really? I can tell you that if not for her talking to me that night we would have been divorced now and you might have been minus your balls. She talked me down, not completely out of my mad, but she made sure that I was thinking rationally before you came home. She also left me with something that I could build on. We agreed that she continue on because she felt that her doing that meant that she could control the situation. Beth was worried that your little obsession would cause you to go astray for real. When she saw the effect she was having on you that's when she knew that she had to come to me.

"Beth showed me a different way to see a relationship, maybe in time our relationship. I always saw us, not you and me separately, but us together. She showed me a way to see our marriage as three distinct parts, all separate but also connected. A way to create a 'you', a 'me', and an 'us'. Each part separate but connected to create the whole. Each one as important as the other. That was so different from the way we have always been, from the way I always seen us. We never really separated those roles out or at least I never did.

"Maybe you were ahead of me on that one, maybe you just forged ahead on your own. The problem with what you did was you forgot about me. I was still tied to what I thought we had. When you started down this path everything became about you, for you. So when you went off on your path by yourself you threw what I saw as the equilibrium of our marriage, of my life, out of balance. Because I had no sense of me to balance your movement away I fell apart inside. I had no sense of me to fall back on. You were so wrapped up in yourself that you didn't even notice that I was dying inside. There we were on the brink of disaster and you didn't even notice.

"I wanted to blame you. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me. I wanted to blame you for all the ills of the world. Beth helped me to see that it was not just your actions that led us to that point. Part of the fault was mine. Part of the fault was ours collectively. Once she explained what she meant and I had time to process everything I came to realize that she was right.

"So I am not blaming you for everything. Part of the blame is mine and I will own that. We were out of balance because of you but I was just as much at fault for letting you get there. That led me to see that there were other things wrong with us, things that I can see now because I understand the concept of the three parts. I want to pick just one part of our relationship to talk about, one that seems very important to you.

"Let's focus on the sexual side of our relationship for now. I know in bed I haven't been really adventurous or exciting. In my defense, I didn't think you were unsatisfied with what we did or how we did it. You never said a word to me about any level of dissatisfaction. I guess after twenty plus years together anything can get stale. Now I know that I should have talked about it, I should have worked harder. Again I guess you were ahead of me on that one too. But instead of directing your new found sexual energy into the 'us' portion of our relationship you turned it to yourself.

"When you took matters in your own hand, literally, I should have seen the light about the problems we were facing. Instead I took it as a personal affront, not the symptom of a much larger problem that it really was. If I am to be totally honest with you there is still a lot of hurt in here about that. I'm trying to let it go but it's hard."

Melina's hand went over her heart as she spoke. Throughout her speech to this point it was all I could do not to burst into tears and attempt to grab the woman I loved to comfort her. Some part of me knew that would be the wrong response at this time so I stuck to my promise to sit and listen.

"One of the reasons I am having so much trouble letting go of my anger is the way you went about this. Jerking off instead of making love to me is one thing. But there's the fact that you pulled back in almost every aspect of our relationship, all to satisfy your growing need for personal satisfaction. That hurt me far more, I think maybe most of all. Thing is in my reading and talking to Beth I figured out that the two are tied together in a big way.

"You took your sexual needs and left our marriage with them. Even the nights where you did make love to me I could tell you were not all there. Were you Bob? How am I supposed to deal with a husband that basically used my vagina to masturbate in? A husband that, outside of a few incidental brushes, became afraid to touch his wife? Afraid that somewhere in that touch a spark might lite that would lead to something you didn't want anymore, which was sex with me. Right Bob, am I right?"

It was not hard to hear the anger creeping up in her voice. There was a raw, emotional component to this that was unsettling. One moment I held out hope for us only to have it squashed the next. Her tone kicked down a notch pulling me back to the conversation.

"That is not the question right now sorry I'm getting off track. Let's focus on what we need too because the question is how to deal with all of this? So knowing that you're a bottom line kind of person if we are going to survive this we are going to have to shift the dynamic. Now we are back to the three parts of the marriage conversation where I started.

"To create this new dynamic the first thing that needs to happen is on me. I need to do is figure out the 'me' portion of the triad. At this moment I don't know exactly who I am. It will take time for me to figure that out so I am asking you for patience and a considerable bit of help from you. I'm not sure what I will need help on yet, just keep that thought stored away for now, I will get back to you on that one.

"That's one piece, number two is you. Right now I am sure that you might be as confused as I am about your part in all of this. I think it's fair to say that your selfish behavior of the past is going to stop if we are going to continue together. The question is replaced by what? I think that this whole thing has opened up another side of you. One that I didn't know was there and I'm pretty sure you didn't either. That new you will be a big part of the replacement of your 'bad' behavior.

"So what do we do with it? This new thing of yours? I think that we have to define its limits, explore it, but do that inside the bounds of our marriage, not outside by yourself. This will help us to create our 'us'. The normal 'average' standards don't apply here anymore. We have to strike out into new ground to create a new 'us'. So how do we do that?

"I want to create a different marriage contract. One where we create the rules defining that third part together. One where you give me the unconditional support I need to create one thing that I never have before, even before this mess started, my sense of self. Once that part is complete we can use what I discover about myself and what we find out about you to finish the 'us' part. I am hopeful that creating the rules together will cement our relationship in a way that we never had before. Make no mistake, even with all that has happened I still want to grow old with you Bob.

"For that to happen I want you to give me control over this new direction we will take. I have written down the way I want this to go on these papers. You don't want to know how many drafts ended up deleted before I came up with the version on the table. I want you to view this as a starting point, I think you call it a baseline in your job. I want this to be clear. I didn't write this as an unbendable doctrine but every negotiation has to have a starting point doesn't it? This is where I want to start.

"So now I am going to go run a hot bath and soak. After you read these take some time and digest what's there and how you feel about it. Don't rush, I will not accept an answer tonight regardless of whether you think you are ready to give one. This is a big step and I want you to be totally on board with it.

"Please don't take this as a threat because it's not intended as one, it's simply what I see as the new truth, the new direction for us. I will not continue in our marriage the way it's been going the past year, I can't, I won't. Also please understand I don't think it's possible to just turn the clock back to the way it was even if we wanted to. Either we change and grow as a couple or we have to separate and move on with our lives. We are both still young enough to find what we are looking for in someone else. I want to very clear on that point, I don't want that, but I feel strongly enough about this that I will move immediately to do just that if you can't accept this new direction for us.

"Please read carefully and hold your questions until I come back. Just remember one thing, I do love you Bob."

With the words of that speech hanging in the air she kissed me handing the pages on the table to me. Turning she walked into the master bedroom closing the door behind her. Those papers that I'd wanted so badly to read just moments ago, now in my hand, and somehow I seemed to have lost the ability to move to do anything with them. All I could do was sit there looking first at the papers in my hand, then the closed bedroom door.

There is a good possibility that somewhere during that discourse I went into a mild form of shock. Taking stock of myself I found my hands clammy, beads of sweat hanging on my brow, and my heart racing. Looking down at the papers she placed in my hand like they were filled with a venom that might poison me I set them down on the table. The heading of the top sheet screamed out at me.