Chapter One

 

Miles of ocean passed beneath us before the plane landed at the airport in Amsterdam. I was too nervous to sleep during the flight. The strangeness of my adventure had by then dulled my mind, while heightening my physical senses. I noticed the movement around me, restless passengers as anxious as I was to complete the trip: businessmen and casual travelers, women dressed in everything from stuffy business suits to sweats. I heard their grumbling comments to companions, listened to their laughter, subdued and tired by the time the trip was at its end. I smelled their scents; musty, stale, each a unique perfume.

I felt apart from them, as if I didn't belong in their seasoned company. I was sensibly wearing a pair of black slacks, a new green sweater and a pair of walking shoes. Neil said I looked like a world traveler-although I knew he was just joking. Neil had always been secure with my dressing modestly. Perhaps he was as nervous as I was about this trip and who I'd meet. This was more than a trip; we would be apart for the first time since we were married three years before.

He let me go with little effort, and I tried not to wonder why it was so easy. After all, we are madly in love, like newlyweds.

Perhaps he was simply happy for me, winning the art fellowship. Me, Marlena Rowlands, who'd never won anything in her life. I submitted my portfolio of pen and ink sketches and watercolor landscapes months before, with no thought of being accepted by the prestigious program. I was sure that this Midwest girl would never be able to compete with the New York art crowd and their cutting edge vision of man, society and artistic expression. When the fellowship committee called, my legs went weak, buckling out from under me in the front hallway of the apartment. I sat on the hardwood floor, the phone receiver still in my hand, weeping, while Juggles, my cat, wandered into my lap, curled up and purred.

"Accept?"

"Yes, well, yes, I suppose," I must have sounded like a fool, "Of course. I'm delighted." Of course, I was delighted, thrilled, shocked, stunned, afraid.

The plane touched down and my insides burst with unplanned warmth, like a predilection. In the region of my crotch, but expanding ruthlessly outward until my fingertips were tingling and my poor fingers were hardly able to function. Rising to my feet, I raised the strap of my carry-on over my shoulder and moved, head down through the crowd on the way to the baggage claim. As I looked up searching directional signs in English, I could feel the panic in me begin to surface.

A foreign country and a different life lay ahead.

I had read the literature regarding every museum...the Van Gogh...the Rijksmuseum...the Stedelijk, my heart swimming in the good fortune; I'd see with my own eyes what I'd so far only seen in books and on the internet. It was my fondest dream to dive into a foreign city, to walk its streets, breathe its air, taste its food and test its sounds with my novice ears, observe with my artist's body the whole of an alien culture. And yet, while my lofty desire propelled me forward, so too did the knowledge that this ancient city flaunted the prurient need of humankind in its notorious Red Light District. That fact scared me. I wondered if I'd be better off in Paris, Rome or Athens, where sexuality was more than a commodity, but an act of love.

At my going away party, Neil joked with me about behaving myself, to which I blushed in front of our friends, and went for another drink to cover my embarrassment. 'The blush becomes you, but it's only a reflection of what's inside,' I recall my high-school English teacher once saying of my bright red cheeks. What was in me that made me blush then and now made the fire in my belly crescendo the closer the airport taxi came to my hotel?

I loved everything I saw as I stared out of the taxi windows. My other world opened before me in a mixture of Old World quaint and ultra-modern. I couldn't wait to walk along the canals, down the tiny streets, think, listen, feel, breathe another country's air with the idea of making it nourish my soul. But even as my tired eyes strained to take in the scenery that moved too rapidly by my window and affix it with some lofty purpose, I sought with curious eyes for signs of de Walletjes with its infamous women in the windows, proselytizing sex with a come-hither stare, a turned hip, a crooked finger, a lurid solicitation. 'Yes, yes,' I reminded myself. I would, yes, tour the Red Light District. I promised myself long before I boarded the plane that I would not miss this opportunity, but only after I'd settled into the residence, found my way to the art school, allowed my nervous energy to abate and gather my wits enough to experience de Walletjes as art, not porn.

***

 

I sat at the tavern adjacent to the residence lobby; I believe the two establishments were separate, although they shared the same entrance. The walls, the wood, the brick reeked of centuries past, and the aroma of liquid spirits poured in abundance for a nightly cliental of working men and travelers. Constructed in the 17th Century, the tavern was attached to the residence sometime later. My experience of Amsterdam would begin here inside these walls. I wanted to be comfortable in this place before I ventured out. This would be home. Oh, how careful reasoning closed its grip around my vehement desire! Truth was, as night fell on the city and I remained half-frozen in my room, I had lost my spirit for adventure, while assuming it would return to me the next day.

My aim was clear for my stay here-beyond what I'd learn from the Master instructors at the art school. Ten weeks steeped in the powerful forces of the past. I wanted to blend with the scenery, disappear inside the attitude of the humanity around me, and find my vision altered in some way because I'd been here. This opportunity would never happen again. I feared squandering the experience far more than I feared succeeding, or not succeeding with sketch pens and watercolor.

The ancient bar was worn, polished down, tired but not weary. The wood was smooth and warm beneath my hand, while the vinyl barstool I sat on was a little sticky from the last customer. I sipped my beer, hating its taste, but was determined to drink it to the last drop, or at least until the calming effects of the alcohol had a chance to work.

"Your first night in Amsterdam?" I heard the man's voice beside me and turned, disturbed because he sounded so American. I wanted to be anything but American, but I'm sure the truth was written in my face, my plain brown hair and my simple department store clothes. I'd chosen a blue denim skirt and white sweater, the clothes of a Midwestern girl. Oh, how could I call myself an artist when I dressed like such an ordinary woman?

I thought the man was staring at my chest, so I looked down, remembering how nicely the white knit stretched across my breasts. Neil said he'd married me for my tits. I told him that he could adore the asset as much as he wanted, but please don't call them tits, or boobs or anything else that might come from the mouth of a leering teenager.

I self-consciously looked up into the warm and smiling face of a man who made me shudder. I felt confronted by an energy that pulled in all around me, and I immediately wanted to wrest from its grasp and flee. I'm not certain the reason. But being polite and feeling silly for this moment of panic, I stuck to my seat, while my palms began to sweat. I pressed them against my skirt nervously.

"How did you guess?" I said.

"Just a hunch." He extended his hand. "Jackson Nichols. American. San Francisco. I'm here on business."

I let him take my hand and smiled nervously, "Marlena Rowlands. American too. Minneapolis. I'm here on an art fellowship."

His raised his thick dark brows, impressed by the information.

I was impressed by him-a full substantial man, the hair on his head as dark as his brows, but greying at the temples. His eyes could nurture as they were nurturing me now, but I expected they could spark in anger or lust with equal ease.

"I'll bet you feel alone."

"Yeah, a little. But I am married." Oh, why did I say that! Sounded like an excuse. I could feel my cheeks brighten like a girl's.

He shook his head, "No need to be embarrassed."

"You're married, too?"

"No. Happily single."

I nodded. Yes. A player, a man of the world, assertive, self-reliant, intelligent. He was sophisticated and rugged at the same time.

"You seem a bit nervous."

"Is it that obvious?"

"A little. I have good instincts."

"And are you lonely, too?" I fingered my drink glass a little too much.

"Sometimes, I'm very lonely." He scooted one seat over, so we were side by side. "But not now." I imagine that a woman used to meeting men in bars might interpret his move as an unashamed seduction. I honestly couldn't say. Regardless, I sensed a genuinely kind and prudent man in the body beside me. He was simply being friendly.

I blushed again.

"I'm here for ten weeks, a study fellowship. All this is new to me."

"I'd imagine a city like this would be a little scary for someone like you?"

"It is."

"And you'll want to introduce yourself slowly."

"If you mean am I going to walk the Red Light District tomorrow, no, I won't be doing that so soon." I laughed.

"But you don't want to miss it. It is truly an asset to this city, to the world even."

"Why do you think that?"

He shrugged. "I think we deserve to have our naughty secret thoughts exhibited for our eyes plain as day. Here that happens, no apologies, no shame, just a slice of reality, and a fascinating one at that."

His eyes glimmered furtively. Maybe he was seducing me.

"Novel idea," I said, feeling a little less nervous, but curiously titillated by his attention. "So you're from Minneapolis, you're married...what does your husband-does he have a name?"

"Neil."

"What does Neil think about you being here alone?"

"He thought it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up."

"Generous man. Most men would think twice about sending their wife to a foreign city alone."

"I think he thought about it more than twice. But then, some things you can't reject just because they are inconvenient. I wish he were here, but being philosophical about it, maybe there's a good reason why I'm here alone. Neil certainly wouldn't be interested in the art end of the trip. He thinks of my art as a hobby, not something serious. Are you in Amsterdam for long?"

"As long as my business takes. I'm thinking it will be at least a month before I wrap up here and move on."

"Move on to what?"

"I'll have to be in Hong Kong by August for a conference on environmental issues affecting international corporations."

"Is that as dull as it sounds?"

He smiled again. "Probably more so."

I might have talked with him all night; a cozy familiarity seemed to spring up between us with so little effort. I can't recall when I'd talked to a strange man like this before. At the same time, his energy made me nervous and I couldn't effectively suppress my need to flee. The conversation continued for several more minutes while I hastily chugged the foul tasting beer. My head felt light; I laughed easily. But even the liquor couldn't keep me in my seat. I pleaded weariness and the need to get up early in the morning. I slipped off the seat, clumsily grabbed my purse and waved goodbye, wishing as I walked away that I looked like the kind of woman Jackson Nichols would have clinging to his arm.