Chapter One - Graduation.

 

As graduation ceremonies go, Columbia University's Commencement was long and hot, but steeped in tradition. Not only did all the graduates wear blue and white robes and dark blue mortarboards, with colored tassels signifying the college, but the masters student wore double stole trimmed in gold and silver, and the doctoral students had a triple stole trimmed in gold, silver and scarlet. The robes, hats and stole harken back to the middle ages - long before Columbia existed and even before the discovery of the new world by Europeans.

During Lerner Hall's most recent transformation in 2143, the glass and steel building was re-purposed and had its seating capacity increased to over 11,000. This was more than enough for the 1,124 undergraduates, the 2,239 postgraduates, and also allowed for two family members; usually the mother and grandmother. Just before the old building was demolished, the ivy plants growing around the building's foundation were carefully removed, saved in a greenhouse, and

re-planted after the new construction was finished. Thus the new building looked a lot like the old.

Venus nudged the young woman sitting next to her, Ailish, and said, "I never knew the stage could hold so many dignitaries. I see two presidents, and a dozen congresswomen."

"Normally, it can't. They added an extra riser to the back of the stage. I saw the workmen building it after my chemistry final. What an orchestra of disorganization. Good thing there were several women supervisors there to read the blueprints, and make sure all the bolts were tightened," replied Ailish.

"So where the workers slaves?"

"No doubt. But not my slaves. I wouldn't have a single one of them, even if you paid me. They were all slope headed, hairy brutes with big knuckles and short legs. I don't think any of them had an IQ higher than a cocker spaniel."

Venus laughed. "Looks like they are about to start. Isn't that University President Ms. Helina Tabbauku?"

"Sure is."

"I never know if she is Dr. Tabbauku, or Ms. Tabbauku, or what?" "Oh, looks like she got her grey hair colored for the occasion."

Helina tapped the microphone and three thunderous blasts issued from the loud speakers. Helina stared down at the woman running the sound board and grimaced.

Some adjustments were made, because the second set of taps sounded more like fingers drumming on a wood desk, then gunshots in a dark ally.

The University President looked to her left, then her right, then out at the audience. She motioned with her outstretched arms for all to stand. Almost in unison the dignitaries and graduates rose from their seats.

"I hereby call all those present to witness the 416th graduation of the Columbia University & King's College of New York, class of 2170. In lumina Tuo videbimus (translation; In thy light shall we see the light.)" said Helina. Then she motioned everyone to be seated.

Ailish whispered, "now that that's over, can we go? Mom has a big party planned for me, and I don't want to be late. It's supposed to be a surprise, but I tricked her personal servant into telling me about it."

"Shit Ali, you haven't gotten your diploma, yet. What will your mom say if you came to the party without your diploma?"

"They mail them to you. The roll of paper they hand you after walking across the stage is just a paper note telling you they will mail the real diploma in two to three weeks. They just dress it up by adding a ribbon around the note" said Ali.

"That's not what I heard," counters Venus. "This year, they are actually handing out the real thing and the section of the diploma paper under the University's seal is actual vellum made from real sheep hide. They haven't used real vellum in over 200 years. Poor little sheepies."

"So where did you hear this?"

"It was in the Morning Side Post 2-weeks ago." "That rag."

"Well it is the official school newspaper, so they couldn't print it if it wasn't true. Besides, if you leave now, how are you going to get to this party?"

"I chained my electro-scooter to a post by the residence hall. I can get to SoHo in 15-minutes."

"You still riding that antique? Join the 22nd century and get a hover bike. If mid-town traffic doesn't kill you, the lithium in those old scooter batteries will."

"But it's all mom could afford, after paying the tuition here."

"Ailish, play it safe and use the limo service your mom has undoubtedly hired. Besides, she'll want to ride with you and if you bug-out now, she'll be waiting around for hours looking for you."

"Hours? The graduating class isn't that big. It shouldn't take that long to sort through 3,300 people, even if we are all dressed the same in these funky robes. Speaking of which, are you getting warm?"

"Now that you mention it - yes. But I'm sure it's because of global warming version 3.0. Seems like every time sea level goes up another 10 feet, the scientists come up with another version number. GW 1.0 ruined the FDR Parkway and GW 2.0 swamped Roosevelt and Randal Islands. I learned that in the 'History of New York' back in high school. Next year, they'll start building the seawall around Liberty Island."

"For as much as we paid in tuition, you'd think they could at least crank-up the air conditioning and get the temperature down to a reasonable 78 degrees. But I had anticipating the heat, so I am wearing practically nothing under my robe," said Ali, who slid down the zipper in the front of her gown to reveal nothing but skin all the way to her pubic hair.

"Me too," said Luna, the woman on Venus's other side. "My older sister graduated nine years ago and she said it was like a clam bake, only you were one of the clams."

Venus looked at Ali and said, "with those 'A' breasts you wouldn't need a bra anyway." Ali retorts, "they are 'B', but who cares. It's not like this is a wet T-shirt contest at some

sleazy Greenwich Village lesbo-bar. You, on the other hand, need constant support for those melons, or they will be saggie-baggies hanging down to your belt before you are 30."

"It's not my fault. My mom blames it on the sperm donor and the frozen sperm storage locker for mislabeling the test tube. That's why I'll never use a cut-rate semen shop - ever. When I want to push-out a daughter, it'll be nothing but a trusted, established DNA storage lab."

 

***

 

"Ahem," said the University President from the rostrum. "Before we introduce the doctoral graduates, I have two sad bits of news. First, the oldest living male graduate of Columbia, Mr. David A. Levin, III died in his sleep at Mount Sinai Hospital last Monday. He was 115 years old and a member of the class of 2085. Also, the last male graduate of Columbia, Mr. Samuel R. Goldfarb, was killed in an accident while taking ice core samples on one of the last remaining Greenland glaciers a month ago. He was a member of the Earth Sciences class of 2136 and worked for the European Climate Research Consortium based in Godhab, Greenland. This reduces the number of living male alumni to only 213."

 

***

 

"Gee, I didn't know we had so many male alumni," said Luna, the young lady on Venus's other side.

"But that is spread over 61 years, which is less than 20 per year, on average. While us women have been swelling the ranks of the alumni by 3,500 to 4,500 per year."

"Talk about your minority enrollment. Twenty guys per class, out of about 4,000 girls is only half of 1 %."

"I heard Goldfarb was kept in a hermetically sealed room at the hospital for his entire senior year. The University was so worried he would contract ZikaVid and get too stupid to pass his finals."

"I'm guessing he chose to work in Greenland because there are so few people and the virus can't be spread very easily in sub-freezing temperatures."

"Yah, who ever heard of swarms of mosquitos on Greenland."

"I wonder if he was a sperm donor?" asked Venus. "I wouldn't mind being the mom of a daughter of the last male graduate. Looks like a good blood-line to me."

"Maybe, but you can't breed people like they used to breed race horses - based solely of phenotype. We got DNA sequencing, for Christ sakes. Columbia's cryogenic lab is known for billions and billions of thoroughly analyzed, frozen samples of both eggs and sperm, from all sorts of species - including the human species."

"And why not the jizz from an alumni? Especially one of the last men on earth with an IQ of over 120."

"How do you know what his IQ was?"

"I don't, but to get into Columbia, you have to super smart, and my IQ is 120, so I guess his was as high as mine."

"Those test are so bogus. I don't know why they still use them. Besides, when he applied, I'm sure it was under some special gender diversity program. They shifted the curve for males, because there were so few of them."

 

***

 

"And now, let me introduce to you, Dr. Gretchen DeLion, who will deliver the key note address," said Ms./Dr. Helina Tabbauku. "As some of you may know, Dr. DeLion is the Dean of the Medical Research Department here at Columbia, and is a graduate of UCLA and Penn State. She is a past recipient of the MacArthur Fellows Grant in the field of immunology and, this last year, she was under consideration for a Nobel Prize in Medicine. While the Nobel escaped her this year, her continuing work in the study of human viruses, especially ZikaVid, is on-going and she may still be under consideration by the Nobel Committee, in some future year."

 

***

 

Venus said to her friend Ailish, "So you have a golden yellow tassel. Did you ever take a class from Dr. DeLion?"

"Heck no. She's too high-up the pecking order. I'd need to be in the doctoral program to ever have one of her classes. I'm just a bachelor student, a bottom rung kinda person, who never gets noticed by the administration, unless I set a lab on fire."

 

***

 

"Thank you Ms. Tabbauku. I'm not losing anymore sleep waiting for a call from Sweden," said Dr. DeLion. "The Nobel Committee has their own set of standards, and I, for one, would rather rid the world of this insidious disease, then claim the one million Krona. They are very secretive, so you never officially know, who is on the short-list or who might be the runner-up."

The audience laughed.

"Yah right," said Ailish under her breath. "We know full well that Dr. DeLion would take the money in a heartbeat, rather than throw it in the east river."

"After over 100 years, there is so much we still don't know about the ZikaVid virus, which in this day of scientific breakthroughs, is upsetting. For instance, from our DNA sequencing, we now know there are 13 variants to the virus and these variants are not new. There may have always been these 13 variants. Also, at least in the last 80 years, there have been no new variants discovered. This begs the question; why?All other viruses spontaneously produce variants at a rate of approximately one per year. But not ZikaVid. All 13 variants produce the same effect; that being to infect only males and to restrict their brain function and development to that of a normal eight year old female. Despite our best efforts, and trillions of dollars spent by every government on earth, we are no closer to finding a vaccine than we were back in 2028 when Dr. Herbert Mendez first isolated the virus. And yes, the rumors are true, Dr. Mendez caught the disease, probably in his own lab, and died from complications related to his infection."

A gasp came from the audience, especially from the dignitaries on stage.

"In the 2030's, virologists were evenly divided between the genders. There were as many male as female scientists in the field. But by 2050, the researchers were 75% women and, as you all know, by the turn of the century, the field was 98% female. In hindsight, this trend is not surprising. The general population was shifting from 51% female, back in 2000, to 81% female by 2100. Where did all the men go? They died. The average male life expectancy in America decreased from 77.5 years, to 45.3 years. Life expectancy, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, hadn't been this low since 1880. But, except for infant mortality, it isn't the ZikaVid virus that is killing the men, it's things like traffic accidents; a man steps out in front of a bus, work place accidents; a man falls from a roof, and homicides; a man kills another man. It seems that the male subspecies doesn't have the good sense that god gave the goose."

Another wave of laughter came from the audience, including Venus, Ailish, and Luna. "Society has enacted numerous laws and regulations to protect men from themselves. For

instance, men can not operate a motor vehicle at a speed over 10 miles per hour. Men can not own a gun. Men can not operate industrial machinery, like a fabrication robot or a crane."

Ailish whispered to Venus, "except when they are building a stage. I know I saw male workmen using a crane to off-load the truck carrying the stage assemblies."

"Ssshh," said Venus. "I'm trying to concentrate. This is good stuff."

"All to protect their 'x' chromosomes. Try as we may, science has not found a way to make the male 'x' chromosome. Sure we can modify them to made blonde males, or tall males, but we have to start with something to begin with. We can freeze sperm, and thereby preserve the 'x' gene, and there are nearly a hundred different facilities for preservation, including some on Mars and the Moon. But without a few viable males, the human species will become extinct. The artificial testicle does not exist."

Luna said, "damn. And I just pre-ordered one from the home shoppers channel."

Venus laughed, and attracted the attention of a security usher, who targeted her with her laser identifying wand. Busted.

"As near as we can tell, back in 2030, the Zika Flaviriiridae virus combined with the Gamma variant of the SARS Covid-19 Virus, formerly called the Corona Virus variant P.1, and created the hybrid virus we know today as ZikaVid. We do not know how this happened, but we suspect free-range South American bats and A. aegypti mosquitoes may have been the intermediary host and transmission species, respectively. But unlike any human virus before, this one alters the DNA of the host - the male host. The ZikaVid is everywhere and has become as universal in the human species as having ten fingers and ten toes. I can not say with certainty without clinical testing, but my professional experience tells me there are fewer than 100 individuals here in this auditorium who are not carriers of the ZikaVid virus. That translates into an infection rate of over 99.9%. My research has proven, women are not born infected, but acquire the infection via an insect bite. Face it; insects are everywhere, or nearly everywhere. There are a few environments that do not have insects; the colonies on the moon and on Mars, the research stations on Greenland and Antarctica, and, that's it. Everything else without insects is an artificially maintained Grade IV medical lab; the same sort of labs used to build biologic weapons back in the late 20th century."

Venus said, "My mom once toured one of those labs in China. She told me it was next to the site of the Wuhan lab that released the original Covid virus back in 2018. That lab was demolished years ago and was turned into a peoples park. But at the lab mom visited, she had to change her sterile gown three times before getting to where the actual work was done, and then the bio-lab was behind a glass wall. She said the workers inside the Grade IV area have their heads shaved under those mushroom shaped bonnets. Also, they live in the Grade II lab until their one year contract is over."

"Assuming they don't get the plague, or Ebola, or BRX 47," said Luna.

Dr. DeLion droned on about germs and our responsibility to kill them until her allotted 90-minutes were up. By that time, many in the audience were nodding-off.

Needless to say, the audience missed the important part of her speech - that being her research has given up on finding a treatment for ZikaVid and has been looking into a vaccine based on those developed in Europe in the early 2100's. These 'primitive vaccines', as she called them, were essentially inconsistent and unreliable, by American standards. The bombshell everyone snored through was that she, in her Columbia lab, had started trials of an improved American version of the European vaccine, using human cell cultures.

"And so, Columbia class of 2170, it falls on your shoulders to save the world. You can do it, if you try."

Dr. DeLion stepped away from the podium and was replaced by the University President. "Now, may I have those earning doctoral degrees, please step forward and receive your

diplomas. Noel Abalia, Business Administration and Computer Sciences. Janet Acton, Sociology, Geneva Adams, International Affairs."

Venus shouted "WooHoo 'Eva!"

"Do you know this woman?" asked Ailish.

"Yes, she was the teaching fellow in my International Law 452 class."

And so it went. The stage was trod by 953 students who now had a Ph D. At 11 seconds per graduate, it took nearly 3-hours.

"Damn, it's a good thing they don't make speeches like DeLion, or we'd be here until the start of the fall semester," said Ailish. "I gotta go use the lady's room. Anyone else?"

Half a dozen young women in their section stood, nearly in unison, and exited to find the restroom. The security usher scanned each of them with her wand as they descend the stairs and exited.

"I can see many of the audience is taking this opportunity to freshen-up, so why don't we have a slight intermission before starting on the masters degree candidates," said Ms. Dr. Helina Tabbauku.

Venus and Luna both got up to find the lady's room. Since there were no men at the University, their restrooms were remodeled. The urinals were replaced with standard flush toilets, so the washroom facilities were not too crowded.

The planned 15-minute intermission lasted 25, but no one complained.

"Ahem. Let's get started," said Dr. Tabbauku. "We at Columbia are proud to introduce the Masters class of 2170. Will the graduates in the field of Art and Architecture please step forward."

An entire section of about four dozen students stood up and marched across the stage, one after another, like ducklings walking to the reservoir in Central Park.

Venus said, "this should speed things up. No more individual names."

And it did. At a mere two seconds per graduate, the Masters class with 1286 students took slightly longer than an hour to receive their diploma - their simulated diploma. Not bad for a university with 19 different masters programs.

"Okay, we're next," said Ailish.

Dr. Tabbauku said, "this year I am particularly proud of the women in our bachelors program, because these are the people who will get things done - the movers and shakers. These are the backbone of our economy here in the United States. They may not have much impact over the next 12 months, but these women, and those from other universities, over the next 12 years will be the ones running the country. They will be the team leaders - the department heads -the senior vice presidents, and the movers and shakers going into the 23rd century. These will be the up and coming, cutting edge, managers who will shape society for the next generation. Now, without further ado, may I present the Columbia class of 2170. Please rise as you field of study is called."

"We don't get to walk across the stage?" asked Venus.

"I guess not. Maybe it's all for the best. Us 'movers and shakers' just might shake loose the bolts holding the stage together - then where would we be?" said Ailish.

Dr. Tabbauku announced, "Actuarial Sciences; please stand, and remain standing until all the degree programs are read." There was a measured 15-second pause, then she announced "Art and Architecture; please stand."

And so it went, and went quickly, all the way through 'Wealth Management'. By the time all 1,124 undergraduates were standing, the audience was a sea of white and blue robes. The students all removed the colored tassels from their hats.

"Ladies, I give you the class of 2170."

The crowd broke out in thunderous applause, then all 3,363 mortarboards were tossed into the air by all the graduates, from all three academic levels. Of course, what goes up must come down and there was a scramble to retrieve a graduation cap. Any cap.

"I got someone named 'Rebecca Larson'. Who is she?"

"She'll be listed in the program," said Luna. "I got Sarah Brighton. I think she was in my Calculus 201 class."

"But I don't think it's fair," said Venus. "I have a double major in International Business and European Culture. I should get two hats to throw in the air."

"Sorry. You get two tassels and that's it - at least until your diplomas arrive in the mail. Then you can hang both of them," said Ailish.

The three young women hugged and exchanged personal class cards so they could keep in touch after graduation. It's a quaint Ivy League custom that everyone follows, although only rarely do they 'keep in touch'.